An exercise in self-pity and grief

I've been listening to a lot of Peter Hammill the past week since the person I love the most said she wants a separation. I've also been doing a lot of soul-searching and journaling. I'm on a journey. Right now I'm in a place of extreme sadness and grief. I feel alone and without a friend. I feel like I've got no one to hold me or hug me or comfort me, so here I am, reaching out on the cold, empty 'Net for something. Something to help me stay in the journey rather than find the alternative more appealing, even if the alternative - nothing at all - isn't much different that the nothing at all I feel right now.

No one explains my sorrow better than Peter Hammill. Let's explore:

Alice (Letting Go)
By Peter Hammill

When you told me that you loved me
I had no reason to doubt it
so I went about my life in such a selfish way
and never really thought about it.
Oh do I have to let go?
Oh I had my chance and I've blown it,
'cause I loved you so much all these years
and somewhere in myself, between my pride and fear
just couldn't find a way to show it.

I know it doesn't give you any joy
to give me such pain
but why do I have to say goodbye
when I love you still, and can only feel that I'm dying?
Still, every word I say just seems to come out wrong
and none of them deny the fact that you are gone
and that I'm left here, crying.

Ooh do I have to let go of you
ooh I don't think that I can do it -
you're always going to be the guardian of my soul,
and I'll always have a part of you to call my own,
how stupid that I never proved it.

Oh I know I'll never let go
oh because I don't want to be just your friend.
We spent seven years together in our own way,
I can't believe the story ends like this today....

[This explains my heartbreaking more than any words I could pen. The part about going on in your own selfish way, never thinking about her feelings explains it all]

If I Could
by Peter Hammill

You must be crazy to stay here,
and I'll be crazy when you go;
though there's so much I want to tell you
all the words come out too slow.
I've been locked in my problems,
you seemed prepared to wait...
now that I know I'm going to lose you
all the words come out too late.
There's no promise I can give you that you wouldn't know was fake;
though I just want to be with you, there's no show that I can make.
And in the morning, when I wake and find you dressing
I can tell that it's on your mind to go for good;
I know that all this time I've kept you guessing,
but I'd tell you if I could.

If I now said that I loved you
how would that seem in your eyes?
Oh, may my voice fall into silence
if my words turn out to be lies.
I never meant to hurt you,
even though that's what I do -
even though you might not believe this
all my words were meant for you.
There's no promise I can give you that you wouldn't know was fake;
though I just want to be with you, there's no show that I can make.
And in the evening, when we sit and watch the TV
I know that this silence just won't do me any good
and I want to beg you, beg you, beg you to believe me...
I'd tell you if I could,
I'd tell you if I could.

[Here, it feels like looking back, wishing I'd taken the time to say things the right way, to do the right things, to show her that my love for her is more than just mere words. I'd do everything and anything, if I could...]

This Side of the Looking Glass
by Peter Hammill

The stars in the heavens still shine
up above me:
how lovely they'd seem
if you were with me
but you're gone through the looking-glass
and I am left to pass these nights alone.

I'm lost, I'm dumb, I'm blind,
I am drunk with sadness,
sunk by madness,
the wave overwhelms me,
the mirror repels me,
the echo of your laugh
drifts through the looking-glass
and I am alone.

No friendship, no comfort, no future, no home,
the past lingers with me:
you're all the love I've ever known
and without you I'm nothing
but empty and silent,
reflecting on all that I've lost.
I let you slip away so soon.

Can you hear me? This is my song:
I am dying; you are gone.

These words are not enough to save my soul,
they just mock me from the mirror.
I'm cold and I'm yearning,
I've told you I'm burning,
my eyes can't stand the light...
like a stray dog in the night
I'll shuffle off alone.

We all make our futures
but I have lost mine;
I'm hoping for a miracle
but finding no sign....

The stars in their constellations,
each one just sadly flickers and falls...
without you they mean nothing at all.

[and the final heartbreak. Looking at the stars and know she's already moved on]

Why am I posting Peter Hammil lyrics? Because I'm sad and alone. I'm writing this at three in the morning in my "new home" in the basement because I can't sleep.

The other day I rode my bike to the library. I saw some families out. Mom, dad, a kid or two in tow, and I miss that. I feel like I'm here to rot in this underground liar, this cold and empty space beneath the floorboards that my wife and daughter walk upon. I feel outcast and alone.

I have three other kids that I moved from. I left them in Omaha to move to this big city. To move to... this.

I'm broken. There's something wrong with me. Something terribly wrong. Why would anyone in their right mind give up something so great, so wonderful, so beautiful, and so full of joy as my family? Why would anyone hurt them and push them away with his selfishness. Why did I make her not love me anymore?

If I wrote lyrics of my own, they might go something like this:

I just want to be normal.
I just want to be loved.
I just want to love.
I want to stop feeling empty
and to stop using pity for pride

With that, it's time to quit the pity-me thing and try to get some sleep. Maybe I'll update this soon. Maybe my next post will explore another base emotion: anger....